we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
