It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
