Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Randomize
