You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize