we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
