Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
