Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
