I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Boobs are out for the taking
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
