Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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