I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
