I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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