After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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