you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize