I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
