my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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