they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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