She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
