I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
