I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
