I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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