I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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