can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
