Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize