It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
