you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
How external is "for external use only"?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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