3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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