Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
