Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
