I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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