My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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