I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
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