Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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