Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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