Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
