i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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