i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
