Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
