I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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