so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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