i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
