I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
