I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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