Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
