He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
