My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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