The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
