At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
