i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
