there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I love you. Go after that dick
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
