I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
