She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
