Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
