I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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