Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
