He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Never underestimate the power of titties
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
