you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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