not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
